Facing the Hole

Four  years and 8 months.  That is how long it’s been since I have had a donut.  It was the first step in the transformation from old Tim to new Tim.  Yes I know when and where I had my last donut.  I love donuts more than anything.   They are top on my list of ex-girlfriends I don’t deal with anymore.  It sounds like no big deal to most I am sure, but to me it was a major step in trying to do something, anything to change the path of misery that had become my life.
  
You have to understand I love all donuts. I was getting quizzed the other day which are my favorite.  The food and drinks I love most, I cannot say I have a favorite one.  For example; I love beer,  however I could not tell you what my favorite beer is.  I love all beer.  I think each beer, however lowly or fancy has its place.   That is my way of indentifying if I truly love a food or drink.  So when it comes to donuts, not one stands out for me.  They all have equal pull on my taste buds. 

My normal morning ritual on my way to work is to stop at WAWA and get my coffee and salad for lunch.  Every morning I walk past the donuts. Do I sometimes linger or look longingly in their direction? Do I think about the good times we once had?  Do I think about grabbing a bag and opening the case and reunite? Yes, I do.  But each morning I manage to keep my wits about me and know that my most beloved ex-girlfriend tried to slowly kill me for years.  Mind you it’s a two way street and I know that. I should have walked away a lot sooner than I did.

One day  I was on my normal routine walking into WAWA thinking about my upcoming day and walking to the back to grab my cup and poor my coffee.  I looked up after grabbing my cup and on the open counter surfaces, adjacent to the coffee pots were open boxes of donuts.  Not a box, but boxes.  All the normally bare surfaces were covered with glazed hunks of deadly joy.  I reeled. I stopped and felt pins and needles over my entire body.  I felt my face get flush.  I could feel a kind of tunnel vision to only seeing the donuts. It felt like an eternity as I moved 3 steps to the coffee.  It turns out to be the one year anniversary of the store.  To honor and thank the customers they offered us free donuts. So not only was it a donut temptation I might pay for normally, it was free! I walk past the case every day.  Somehow having them locked up in plexiglass case allowed the temptation to be a lot less strong.  It’s tempting but easy in my one day at a time struggle of food addiction.

I poured my hazelnut coffee into the 24 ounce cup, hand shaking and my only thought: do I take a one?  Initial wooziness of such a sight wall to wall donuts began to subside as I put the lid on my coffee and had my back to the plane of boxes.  The pins and needles tingling began to ease up a little.  My thought began to change from “take one” to “don’t need one”.  I grabbed my salad and headed to the counter to check out to pay and make a fast exit.  I was greeted by more open boxes.  The store manager was checking me out at the register and he turns to me and says warmly, “complimentary donut?”  I just shook my head, handed him my cash, and declined his offer.  I explained I have been off donuts for 2 and half years.  I did tell him he was killing me with this.  An older woman behind me was saying how awful that is for me and she doesn’t even like donuts but is having one.  I walked out the door with coffee and salad in hand. I climbed into my car and took a deep breath.  I had just been tested and I passed.

This story takes a  stranger twist in the last few months. I have been hunting for a new job for years. I finally get a call from a friend and old coworker that he has an opening coming up and would I be interested. Yes, it's working for Dunkin Donuts. What are the odds? Okay to be fair, they don't make donuts where I work.  All the uncooked ingredients are there, but no actual finished donuts.  I had to go on a business trip out of state a few months ago. I check my work email to find out it was Donut sampling day back at my office.   I felt relieved to be off site the day they loaded up the lunch room with 5 different kinds of new donuts.  My desk is the closest to the lunch room. I am not sure what would have happened. 

Once in a while I eat much worse things than donuts.  What the donut has become is a symbol. I have managed for almost 5 years to deny myself something I truly love.  I know I could have one once in a while and it would do me no harm.  In this process of losing weight and setting goals the donut has always been the constant reward. When I hit 300 lbs, I will have one. When I lose 100 lbs total, I will have one.  I have repeatedly made this part of the goal reward.  The day comes when I have hit my goal and I say to myself, if I have gone this long, I can save this reward for a harder goal.

So on it goes. Still no donut reward to date. So now the donut to me comes to represent my success through will power, change in my lifestyle, making smart healthy choices when required.  It says you can do this. You have the ability not to give in and fight on. The question I battle with now is what happens when I have that donut I have promising been myself.  What are the consequences?  I know all my skills, knowledge and will power will simply not vanish.  But the denial of this one luxury somehow although torturous at times is worth the value and pride I feel when saying no to it.   So my new goal is to have my first donut if I maintain my health and weight on the 5 year anniversary in August no matter what. (Don’t hold me to it.)