My Ex-girlfriends

In the process of dropping the weight, getting healthier and changing how I live, certain things have changed in my brain and my skills in dealing with impulse control, avoiding scenarios and slipping back to old lazy, unhealthy habits.  One friend will announce when he sees it happening, “That is something old Tim would have done.”  It is amazing how simply steering clear of situations has helped.  When I was on the road all day,  I would stop wherever and eat.  I ate any fast food, a sit down place, a bar, whatever was there.  Part of the process was giving that up. I grab my lunch every morning; a simple salad, an apple and a bottle of water.  I am now never tempted to just pick up something as I go.  I don’t want to throw away a lunch, I have already paid for. I just worked around the impulse.

I go to the same chain convenient store (WAWA) every morning for my coffee and my lunch. The place is nothing but landmines.  At first it was hard to resist.  I got better at it and finally used this analogy to justify how I was doing it. Walking in and looking at all the premade breakfast sandwiches, cakes, cookies and donuts, I began to refer to them as my ex-girlfriends. We had fun once; I really enjoyed myself with you.  But ultimately you were bad for me and we were no good together. It was unhealthy relationship overall with a few happy moments.  It just wasn’t meant to be.  So we had to part ways.  This doesn’t mean we can’t see each other and co exist. I just cannot be with you.   I say this as I walk past the glass case of fresh donuts every morning.  I have just worked around another impulse.

A thing I hear from a lot of people I tell my story to is how I must have lost the desire and taste for all the bad and unhealthy things I ate.  They assume that’s what happens.  I can only speak for myself but it is the furthest thing from the truth.  My desire to eat, my longing for a fast food burger, a shake and fries, it is still all right there,  right on the surface.  I can smell it to this day and I haven’t stepped foot in a fast food place in over two years.  So to say I have lost my taste for it would be a lie.  The only thing I can relate to is being an alcoholic. I love food so much and always will. I am a foodaholic.  So the desire isn’t gone, I am in better control what happens after the desire.

I eat a certain amount of food each day and that is it. It’s controlled calories in small portions but does satisfy my desire by being very tasty.  In these years I have never been miserable.  I am sometimes hungry but since what I ate tastes good, I can live with it. I eat this way six days a week.  On day seven I eat what I want.  I go twenty four hours and sometimes a little more eating as old Tim. I am much more careful to make sure it is not garbage food.  I think all week about my twenty four hours and the enjoyment it will bring me.  It takes my mind off the immediate desire to eat something I should not. I will enjoy it on Saturday.  Another impulse avoided.

All this said, I still fall victim to being in a situation that my impulse will take over and I feel myself standing at a party eating chip after dip soaked chip at the buffet unable to stop.  What I have learned is those moments will happen.  You need to live with it, own it and know tomorrow you will be better. I stopped punishing myself over those moments of weakness. If I didn’t bend when I felt those regrets and accept it and move on, I would fail and my impulses would win.  I can’t eliminate my ex-girlfriends; they have as much a right to be at the party or be in the store as I do. They need to see other people and attempt to make them happy as they made me.  I promise not even to be jealous when they are in someone else’s hands.  Just try not to take years off their life like you did to me.